


A Box Marked 'Mine'

by Liliako



Series: A Box Marked 'Mine' - J/L/C OT3 [1]
Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Complicated Relationships, F/M, Feelings, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Pre-Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:25:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4982692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Life is supposed to be simple. You have a girlfriend, you have a best friend, you get married to your girl, your best friend is your best man and then she becomes the mother of your children and he becomes a Godfather and an awesome uncle. It’s linear, one step then the next like the easiest directions on a lab ever.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>If this were an equation, the answer would be simple and clear. In a way, this was an  equation, it just had a lot of variables.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Box Marked 'Mine'

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel/sequel to We Learn As We Go which is future-James/Camille/Logan so you know this has a happy ending.

When Logan and Camille first started to seriously date, they laid out some rules due to the natures of their jobs. Camille shouldn’t worry about all the fan girls with signs who wanted to kiss him and Logan shouldn’t worry about when Camille actually had to kiss someone while she was acting. He was much more okay with it when she explained how she was always worrying if the kiss looked real and concentrating on if she was acting passionate enough or whatever. Basically there wasn’t any real emotion behind it and it was all a strategy kind of thing and Logan got that. So, when James and Camille got cast on the same indie movie and had to be a couple, Logan was just happy they both had gotten jobs.  
  
They start filming in late May and say they don’t want to spoil it for Logan so he can’t read the script. They don’t talk to him about it much and some days he rarely sees them because of their filming schedule. It’s a different process because the director is also the writer and so the first month is mainly a lot of talking and rehearsals and weird things Logan doesn’t really get. While James is on the movie BTR takes a little hiatus, and frankly, after nearly four straight years of recording, touring, promoting, back into the studio, a sophomore album, and a second tour, they’re all grateful for some time off. Kendall uses his time to create his own pee-wee hockey team at the local rink, which in turn gets Carlos so excited he makes his own team so Kendall will have some competition. Logan starts talking to pre-med programs and med schools, trying to make up for what feels like lost time.   
  
The first day of August, right when Camille and James have just gotten back from being in a cell phone service-less desert filming for a week, they find out the movies funding has been cut. Logan’s in the kitchen helping Mrs. Knight make them dino chicken for lunch as a consolation while the two relax.  
  
“There goes all our hard work. I was so close to being a triple threat!” James mourns, laying dramatically across the couch, head in Camille’s lap with an arm over his eyes.  
  
“Aw, cheer up!” She’s running a hand through his hair while clicking through channels with the other. “Abe said he wanted us to keep meeting for scene work so we can stay in touch with our characters ‘til they get more funding. It’s his baby, he wouldn’t let them kill the project so close to the end.” James takes this as an acceptable answer and lets his arm drop to hang off the edge of the couch, turning his head to watch TV.  
  
“Hmmm,” Mrs. Knight is plating up the dinos and facing the living room, but she stands up straight and puts her hands on her hips suddenly.  
  
“What?” Logan asks, glancing up at her while he pours three glasses of lemonade. Mrs. Knight turns to him, leaning back against the counter, and crosses her arms.  
  
“James and Camille,” she says like it’s an answer. When Logan doesn’t say anything she continues, “They seem a lot… closer.” Mrs. Knight’s concerned face grows softer when Logan puts down the pitcher of lemonade and looks at her. “You’re not worried, sweetie?”  
  
“Pffft, no,” Logan almost laughs but he doesn’t want to hurt Mrs. Knight’s feelings at how silly her concerns are. She’s just looking out for him, after all. “They have to spend a lot of time pretending to be a couple for the movie. Stuff like that happens because they just kind of fall into it without thinking now.  It’s fine with me if it helps their acting.”  
  
"Well, that’s very mature and understanding of you, Logan,” She smiles at him and pats his cheek before putting away the lemonade. “Lunch is ready!” Mrs. Knight calls over and Camille shuts off the TV, James getting up and stretching.  
  
“Aw, why does James get more?” Camille mock pouts and James laughs as they grab their plates, scooping up Logan’s as well so he can move the drinks.  
  
“Because I’m a growing boy and I need my meat, woman!” He answers playfully, sitting down next to Camille at the table. Logan quirks his head a little at this seating arrangement while he sits across from Camille, but he doesn’t think to hard about it—Camille is sitting where Carlos usually sits, after all.  
  
“So Logan, what did you do without us for a whole week?” Camille is asking him, focused on him, but her hand is creeping across the table to James’s plate.  
  
“I went to that exhibit about-"  
  
“Hey!” James notices Camille’s stealthy swipe and she snatches a dino off his plate. “Give it back!” He’s grabbing for it but she’s twisting in her chair and moving her arms around to keep it away from him.   
  
Logan watches as they flail around laughing and he’s thinking how nice it is that his best friend and his girlfriend can get along so well that he looks at Mama Knight with a triumphant smile. She’s leaning on the counter with her arms folded and frowns a little, motioning for him to look again.  
  
James has wrapped his arms around Camille and is blowing a raspberry into her neck as she squeals with laughter and kicks her feet. She brings the dino nugget up by her cheek, holding it so it’s over her shoulder and James darts forwards and bites its little brontosaurus neck and head off with a roaring ‘om nom nom!’ before letting her go. They settle back into their seats, trying to calm their laughter and when Camille takes a bite of the little headless bronto’s upper half and she’s looking at James so happily, Logan thinks he understands what Mama Knight means now.  
  
*  
  
It’s rare they have time off, but for once James isn’t called in for the film but Camille is. Logan is in the pool chair next to James because he’d told Logan he’d read that people who had spent too much time researching in small dark rooms lacked the Vitamin D that they got from the sun, so Logan should come out with him. He’d been so impressed with James knowing that fact to begin with he agreed, but also because he seriously missed hanging out with James.  
  
“How’re those classes you’re taking?” James asks when they’ve settled in with shirts and shoes off, sunglasses on.  
  
“Good, I’ve got a lot to learn and it’s difficult sometimes, but it’s really exciting too, y’know? I’d kind of forgotten how much I like biology and chemistry and stuff,” Logan tells him, smiling, because it’s true.  While they’d tried to keep up with school work and attended the Palmwoods school, it wasn’t the same as being able to take AP classes that help him get ready for college classes. There weren’t many students in the summer class at the university with him, but apparently there had been an earlier more intense three week class instead of the longer one he was taking and it had weeded a lot of people out.  
  
“Awesome. I’m really glad you got to get back to it. I always remember how proud you were telling everyone in high school that you were going to be a doctor,” Logan looks over and James has a wistful kind of smile that’s really touching. They’re quiet for a moment before James is settling onto his side, facing Logan and putting his sunglasses up on his head. “Hey,” he says softly, so Logan turns onto his side and pulls his sunglasses off.  
  
“Yeah?” Logan can see James is working himself up to say something, which means it’s important. He realizes the way they’re laying reminds him of when they were little and had sleepovers.   
  
They’d all be in Carlos’s finished basement that was like one big game room and after hours of video games, movies, and Mrs. Garcia bringing them different snacks, Mr. Garcia would come down to tell them it’d be time to go to sleep. He’d give Carlos a bear hug and tussle each of them on the head before snapping off the room lights. When they were really little Logan and Carlos had been scared of the dark so there were always white Christmas lights strung up that glowed and made everything feel warmer and safer. Despite that, they had still been scared of the washing machine room off to one side that clanked because of the heater inside, so early on a sleeping pattern had been established- Kendall closest to the door, then James, then Logan, then Carlos was closest to the stairs. Kendall had snored even back then so James would always roll over and face Logan, and since Carlos had a habit of talking in his sleep, Logan always faced James. It never solved the noise problem but they’d lay curled up on their sides in their sleeping bags and talk until they each nodded off.  
  
Logan shakes off his nostalgic feeling when James’s hand touches the one he’d grabbed onto the deck chair arm with to roll over.  
  
“I never got to thank you, and it’s kind of late but, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.”   
  
“For what, man?” Logan’s confused so he gives a little bit of a laugh.  
  
“Like, everything. I mean, you gave up everything you had going for you back in Minnesota and all your dreams to come out here and help me live mine,” James explains and Logan gives a little shrug of his shoulder.  
  
“I never really thought of it, I guess. It all worked out, though, and we’ve had a lot of fun doing it, so it’s not like it was really awful or hard. I can always become a doctor if I work hard enough, but being famous is really about luck and who sees your talent. You didn’t have many chances back home, but when Big Time Rush was a possibility I think we all knew it might be your big break and wanted to help. It didn’t hurt anything taking a chance and seeing if we could make it happen, and it turned out we’re boy band material so we couldn’t just drop it. And now you’re acting, I’m starting on the doctor path, Kendall might not be on a team but he’s doing what he loves, and Carlos found out a really great job for him. I’d say life’s pretty great,” Logan grins and pats James’s hand that’s still on top of his.  
  
“It really means a lot to me that you did all that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough. I’m barely twenty and I’ve got almost everything I want in life,” James says with a big smile that Logan knows is real because his eyes crinkle in the corners.  
  
“Now we just need to get you a nice girl and you’ll be all set.” As soon as Logan says it James’s face sort of freezes in its smile for a moment. Then he laughs and takes his hand away, rolling onto his back again before flipping down his shades.  
  
Logan’s not doing this on purpose to grill James about Camille or anything, it just sort of came out of the nostalgia. They’d talk about the famous girls they wanted to marry all the time and he’d forgotten for a moment the possibility that James and Camille might have something going on. He feels stupid about it, but he pushes on because James is just laying there with his lips pressed together in a thin line. “What? It’s not a crazy idea, you’ve got plenty of girls to choose from!”

“I know it’s just- it’s complicated. And those girls don’t really know me, they want that Jah-mez version in their heads,” James scoffs a little, and Logan knows that James loves the fans so it’s not that he’s being ungrateful. He’s just being real, which Logan’s glad for. He’s seen it coming for a little while now, James over the years getting more mature. Logan’s proud of him for not getting sucked in by Hollywood’s ideals anymore, for James still being James who cares about his hair, but not being as obsessed as he used to be. “Besides, the person I want is so far out of my league they’d never notice me. I’ve pretty much come to terms with it but it’s hard sometimes, you know?” James still hasn’t looked over at Logan. Logan has, however, noticed the lack of pronouns in that little explanation. It made him think about how back in high school the other guys on the hockey team would razz James about being gay even though he wasn’t. They did it to everyone on the team but they’d pick on James more often because of his dreams and, no one could deny it, how James was pretty much flawless from head to toe. It’s also boggling Logan’s mind about exactly who would be out of James’s league, especially now that he was famous. He’d always thought James was out of almost everyone else’s league, more in Minnesota than here, but still. 

“You can’t help how you feel or who you fall in love with,” James says quietly. Logan can’t tell if this is James subtly admitting to him that’s he’s gay or if this is James subtly admitting that he’s in love with Camille. Either way, James is in love with someone and after years of dates he’s sure he’ll never see again, Logan really doesn’t know how to take the thought of James giving his heart to this anonymous person who doesn’t even notice him. All Logan knows is that it gives him a weird sad feeling like he’s lost something.  
  
*

  
A week later, Logan hears them before he opens the door to 2J.  
  
“James, please, just- this is character bleed! That’s all!”  
  
“You can make up as many names as you want for it but that doesn’t change anything!”  
  
“It’s not you! It’s okay, it happens, we just need to talk about it! James! Where are you going?!”  
  
“Out!” James yanks open the door harshly and he ends up yelling directly in Logan’s face, startling both of them. “Fuck, Logan, sorry I- what’re you doing standing right outside?” James’s face flickers from surprise to apologetic to exhausted all in a few seconds, trying to shake all of his anger from moments before.   
  
“I was about to go inside?”Logan points past James and sees Camille with her arms wrapped around herself and a pained expression on her face.  
  
“Right,” James moves out into the hallway and Logan tentatively steps inside.

“James!” Camille calls out again, voice tight. On closer inspection, Logan realizes Camille’s got tears in her eyes but they haven’t spilled over yet. James doesn’t look back.  
  
“Don’t even, Camille! Just don’t- we’ll talk about this later.” And James storms away down the hall and out of sight. Logan carefully shuts the door before turning to Camille who has her head ducked.  
  
“What happened?” he asks gently, “Practicing for a scene that didn’t go well?” Camille sniffles a few times and can’t look at Logan directly but she nods. He crosses to her and as soon as he lays his hands on her shoulders she bursts into tears and hugs him fiercely. Logan shuffles them to the couch where he sits and she curls up in his lap, crying into his neck. He just holds onto her and doesn’t ask anything else because a part of him is sure he already knows.

  
*  
  
James moves out of 2J a week later and everyone is fine with it. Granted, he only moves downstairs because Bitters said one of the newbies couldn’t hack it and went crying back to their mommy so there was an empty apartment, but it’s just stupid. Logan has pointed out how it’s a waste of money, how James doesn’t know how to cook well enough to feed himself properly and who’s going to wake James up when he sleeps through his alarm because it’s been happening more and more—but Mrs. Knight reassures him this is all part of growing up, becoming real men, how they’re all almost twenty and James needs to start taking responsibility for himself. It doesn’t sit right with Logan but he takes it at face value.

He tells himself that James isn’t trying to get away from him and that they both are busy now that the movie’s filming again, it’s not that James is avoiding him. It’s hard to feel that way when Logan walks off the elevator in the morning and James turns on his heel and heads off to the street. Whenever Logan enters a room, hell, any space at all where James is, the other seems to be rushing out at the same time. It doesn’t take long before it wears away on Logan’s psyche.

“Just go see him,” Kendall says around a Tootsie Roll pop one night while they’re playing old Game Sphere co-op war games. “He’s only downstairs, it’s not like he’s back in Minnesota,” he reminds Logan as he throws a grenade and leans to his right side while having his character runs that way as well.  
  
“Work it out, man,” Carlos chimes in, grinning as his character jumps into a tank, “You guys always do.”

It’s true, if one of them is being stupid, someone calls them on it and life moves on. Logan needed to go call James on his bullshit and James would move back in and life would go back to normal. It was a weird thing to say when you think your best friend is hitting on your girlfriend but Logan missed James. He’d been this big part of his entire life and Logan feels like the rug has been pulled out from under only his right foot—he’s just lurching around life and nothing is quite right or balances even anymore. It just doesn’t make sense why James would go after Camille when he could have any girl he wants-- there’s no denying James isn’t like the human version of a Greek statue, Logan can’t argue with it the guy was good looking by any and every definition. Whatever, talk to the big dopey giant and fix things and Logan would be able to sleep better at night. “After this round I’ll go-” Kendall turns his character and shoots Logan’s dead.

“Go now before you lose your nerve,” Kendall grins at him and Logan rolls his eyes and mutters ‘thanks for that’ while he stands.  
  
“We’ll be here if you need us!” Carlos calls as Logan tugs on his shoes and slips out the door away from the sounds of explosions and bullet fire.  
  
Logan jogs down the stairs to get nervous jitters out. Confrontation is not something he does well but this needs to be done. Clear the air and go back to being best friends and maybe setting ground rules or something about being at home and being at work. He finds himself staring at 1G sooner than expected with less of a plan than he wants but whatever, it would be fine.  
  
He lifts his hand to knock and stops short when he hears a voice. A distinctly Camille voice going ‘Ah!’ and with her harsh breath after it, it sounds like she’s in pain. Logan grabs the door handle and twists it slowly, feeling it give. Open. The door was unlocked, it didn’t look forced but burglars today were crafty they just push you inside your house so it hardly ever actually looks like a break in nowadays. Without thinking, fueled only by the instinct to keep Camille safe, he opens the door and peeks around the edge. What he sees isn’t house burglars at all, it’s a girlfriend thief.  
  
James is laying over Camille on his couch, face hidden in her neck while her legs are wrapped around his waist and her hands tangle in his hair. Her head is tilted back, mouth open in little harsh pants that Logan hears now and can’t believe how he could think they were noises of pain. James makes a low growling noise that’s muffled and something twists in Logan’s gut. He rears back into the hallway and the door slams as his brain tries to function. His instincts tell him that he just slammed a door, which is noisy so it’s time to run, but the door is opening again before he makes it more than a step.   
  
“Logan- wait!” James catches him around the bicep but Logan wrenches out of his grip, back to him, and stumbles forward another step, trying to steady his breathing that had gotten shallow and erratic in the span of the last moment. “Come inside, I’m sorry, let us explain-”  
  
“No.” It jumps out of Logan’s mouth before he can swallow it back. After the first word, the rest grind out of their own accord. “I don’t want to hear you lie to me about acting and scene work and _lines_ and _practicing_ and _rehearsal_ \- I know what I saw! You and Camille.  _James_ and _Camille_ , not whatever the fuck you’re characters names are.” He can feel his entire body trembling but he can’t make his feet lurch forward to get away fast enough so his mouth will just keeps spilling.  
  
“Logan? Oh god, you saw- I’m so sorry we-” Camille’s soft voice trying to explain it away feels like claws ripping at his back and he can’t take it.  
  
“Stop,” he turns sharply and holds up his hands, “Enough. I’m- I’m done.” He finally take a second to look at them and his eyes pick out the worst things- James’s jeans are unbuttoned and only half zipped, there’s definitely something pushing at that zipper, too, and it makes Logan’s stomach feel weird again. His eyes dart back up to inventorying how both of their hair is askew, lips red and the left side of Camille’s neck is blushing unnaturally. It hurts too much to look at them and he closes his eyes. “I’m done, okay?”  
  
“No, please! Logan just-” He feels Camille’s hands on his forearms but he’s too angry, too hurt, simply too emotional to be rational. Her hands slip away when his feet finally listen and he steps back away from them, away from whatever he ever had with either of them. Logan opens his eyes and looks the two strangers he doesn’t know anymore.

“I trusted you guys. I believed you when you said it was acting, I defended you when people tried to warn me, I never once thought that you’d do something like this. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust either of you again and everyone is going to think ‘Poor stupid Logan, he didn’t get that his best friend and his girlfriend were fucking around behind his back, poor _stupid_ bastard’!” He spits the words out at them and watches Camille curl in on herself while James doesn’t even flinch.

“You’re understandably pissed off, hurt, and upset,” James says flatly and his complete non-response to the whole thing just makes Logan angrier.

“I am, so fuck you both! I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I don’t think I even want to be seen with you anymore because that would be too fucked up right now,” Logan shakes his head and turns away from them, heading slowly back up the hall to the staircase. “You can stop feeling guilty and fuck with clear consciences now,” he calls behind him.

“You know where we are when you want to talk,” James calls back and Logan hears Camille’s choking sob before he escapes into the stair well.  
  
Logan goes back up to 2J, finds Kendall and Carlos haven’t moved from the couch and their game, but bee lines it to his room and shuts the door. He nose dives onto bed and lays face down for a moment before flipping onto his back and toeing his shoes off the end of the bed. Logan stares up at his ceiling in the dark and has the overwhelming urge to go back in time and never leave Minnesota where the moon and stars would be throwing light in between his blinds, not covered by a sky full of smog. If he never left then they wouldn’t have come to the Palmwoods, he wouldn’t have met Camille, James wouldn’t have become an actor and James and Camille wouldn’t have filmed a movie and fallen in love behind Logan’s back. No, that wasn’t right, they did it right in front of Logan’s face he just didn’t want it to be true. Life is supposed to be simple. You have a girlfriend, you have a best friend, you get married to your girl, your best friend is your best man and then she becomes the mother of your children and he becomes a Godfather and an awesome uncle. It’s linear, one step then the next like the easiest directions on a lab ever. It’s not you have a girlfriend, you have a best friend, they sleep together while you’re in the same building not fifty feet away because where does that leave you? Logan hypothesizes it leaves him alone feeling like his life is falling apart because, frankly, it is.  
  
The bed sinks on both sides and warmth seeps in around him. This isn’t familiar, but they’ve each got their own scent that reminds him of home and it’s comforting. Kendall scoots closer until they’re pressed together from shoulder to thigh just about, while Carlos has taken Logan’s balled up fist and is uncurling his fingers slowly. They don’t say anything but Kendall bumps the backs of their hands together and Carlos just massages the tension out of his other hand like when they’ve been playing hockey for too long and someone’s hand cramps up. Hockey. They can’t play two on two anymore. They can’t use the long perfected plays they’ve made up because there’ll be a crucial missing pass. It’s like one wheel of a car is gone- it’ll run but not be right, and it’s going to let you know just how wrong it is with awful noises and sparks.  
  
“Fuck,” Logan lets out on a shaky breath. It’s starting to hit him exactly how much this is going to affect not just him, but everyone they know and his throat gets tight. “Fuck,” a little louder, “Everything is just- god- _fucking_ -damn it!” He thumps his feet at the end of the bed because he needs to punch or kick or lash out at something but he doesn’t want to hurt his only friends left.  
  
“James called,” Kendall speaks softly but Logan can’t look at him because he’s going to have the stupid Knight eyes that make you tell the truth and Logan really doesn’t want to spill his guts and maybe cry right now.  
  
“What bullshit lies did he tell you?” Logan grinds out through his teeth but his anger is sliding away with Carlos draining tension out of his right arm while Kendall’s whole stupid self seems to be emitting calm and bro-love at him.  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Kendall says like what’s happened isn’t a big deal which is why he’s saying it like that to make Logan talk. Stupid manipulative bastard.  
  
“I walked in on them, okay? I thought there were burglars and the door was unlocked and they were there on the couch and he was on her and I just- fuck!” Logan pulls his hands away from them and covers his face. “They- I can’t- We’ll never-” his breath comes out rasped and shaky and he knows this is that embarrassing tipping point, feels the sadness creeping up his throat and lodging there. “ _Why?_ “ He can feel his voice breaking and tears are slipping out the corners of his eyes, hitting his ears before they disappear into the comforter. “What did I do _wrong?_ ” He says softly because it’s like shards of glass are stuck in his esophagus. They’re gentle when pulling his arms away from his face and pushing at him until he’s curled around Kendall’s side with Carlos at his back, stroking soothingly down it. Kendall tucks Logan under his arm and doesn’t mention how Logan’s getting snot on his shirt. He just runs his fingers through Logan’s hair while everything Logan’s been bottling up comes out and soaks his shirt.

“Nothing,” Kendall tells him quietly when Logan’s had a good cry and is sniffling and feeling stupid for crying at all. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” They stay with him through the night, dozing off at some point.

It’s not that every time Logan closes his eyes he sees them, or that he hears echoes of the noises they made, the brain doesn’t work that way. He’s already imprinted what he wanted to on the event and he knows that neither of them had clothes missing and there wasn’t any moaning, but that’s the image and sounds burned into his mind.  
  
*  
  
Logan comes face to face with them in the lobby one morning a few days later when he’s leaving for class. One second he’s looking out at the Palmwoods pool and all the new faces there, feeling old, but when he looks back forward to the door he nearly trips over his own feet. 

Camille looks like an absolute wreck; her hair askew and her face is blotchy and he knows behind her ridiculous sunglasses her eyes have got to be red. She’s shuffling along in a big red hoodie that Logan also knows can’t be hers and it tosses a little barb into his chest, but she’s stopped cold now upon seeing him her mouth dropping open slightly in surprise. Logan finally notices James when the guy wraps an arm around Camille’s shoulders almost protectively. He’s never seen James look so pale and washed out since they’ve moved out to L.A., and his hair even looks like maybe he didn’t wash it yet this morning. James shoves a hand deep into his leather jacket pocket and pins Logan under his worn out gaze.

“Logan,” its Camille’s voice, softly and wavering around the edges. She’s taken off her sunglasses when he looks back at her and he was right. Red, puffy, miserable looking eyes are beseeching at him for anything, but he doesn’t have time to deal with this. He doesn’t have time for a mental break down before Bio class so he trains his eyes to the ground, grips his messenger bag strap firmly with both hands and walks around them out the door.

*  
  
When Logan trudges home from the library on campus late one night, he finds James leaning next to the elevator, cutting off any escape route he has back to 2J. Logan’s not sure if he means to be impersonating James Dean with one foot kicked up on the wall and his arms crossed because who knows how much of a fancy actor James is now. James hasn’t spoken to him in weeks.

“This isn’t going to go away,” James says and it sounds too loud in the quiet of the empty lobby. When Logan doesn’t respond he continues. “It’s not going to because I can’t let either of you go. You can’t do that, and she can’t, none of us can. There’s nothing fair about it. You were mine first, then she was yours, and now I’m hers.” Logan doesn’t quite understand what James means by that last line but he sees that it’s a circular piece of logic that connects them all together like cogs in a machine- take one out and nothing works. “She’s a mess, Logan,” James says softly and it feels like a plea. “You saw her, she’s miserable. She thinks it’s all her fault but it’s not, it’s mine.”

“Stop, just stop, I can’t do this.”  
  
“Listen to me,” James hisses, insistent and he pushes off the wall stepping toward Logan. “For years I set you up on double dates with me. Did you ever ask yourself why? No, you didn’t because you were so nervous about impressing some dumb girl but _open your eyes_ , Logan. Figure it out, genius. Two guys on a hockey team in a small town in Minnesota?” The pieces start to fall into place right before Logan’s eyes but he can’t believe what he’s hearing. James barrels on when all he gets is a wary look, moving closer to Logan. “I couldn’t ask you out, man. I knew I could take a beating and I’d gotten used to the word ‘fag’ being slung at me because of how I look, but you? I couldn’t protect you like I wanted back then. There was too much to lose and then we came here and doing anything would have put our careers on the line.”  
  
“Why now?” Logan chokes out finally. “Why this moment, why Camille, why did you-”  
  
“I’ve already lost you! You know that, and you can’t tell me you didn’t feel it because I watch you. You mope around here and you go and just sit on campus by the pond and you look _lost_.”  
  
“You followed me all the way- but you had filming with-”  
  
“You assumed that, but not every day. A few days I trailed you because I was worried. You get into your own head and with your luck you’d walk right out into traffic,” James tries to joke but everything is too deep still and Logan feels like he’s drowning in all this new information. “Logan,” he finally gives in and lets his hand drop onto Logan’s shoulder, “Come see her, please, we can fix this.”  
  
All Logan wants is for everything to be good again, so he nods and follows James down the hall. His head is swirling with this new information- James wanted to date him. Logan. Out of every beautiful person he’d ever seen James with, out of all the people in the world, James Diamond had wanted Logan Mitchell, the nerdy awkward kid he’d grown up with. He was the person James thought was out of his league. It was flattering and exciting and Logan had no idea what to do with this information bomb. Not having James in his life for these past few weeks had made him realize just how much he _needed_ James around to feel like his world was right and balanced.  
  
James opens the door quietly to the darkness of his apartment. Camille is curled up on one end of James’s cushy couch, wrapped in one of those super soft and fuzzy blankets. There’s a small pyramid of tissues on the side table with the tissue box and the lamp is on throwing warm yellow light over her face, pulling the deep tired shadows under her eyes away for now. She’s listlessly watching bad reality TV and the remote sits on the coffee table far away, so unlike her old need to change the channel constantly.  
  
James ushers Logan over to the opposite end of the couch and waves his hand to prompt Logan. “Uhm,” is all he gets out and Camille’s head snaps up to look at him with wide eyes. “Hi,” he waves his fingers and he watches hers twitch on the blanket and hold back from throwing herself at him in their old usual fashion.  
  
“Hi,” she raises her pointer finger to scratch a little wave at him hesitantly. Everything is so not like her that Logan wants to shake her until she does something normal like slap him or kiss him all over his face like an excitable puppy.

“So,” James slides in on the couch next to Camille and drops his arm over her shoulders. “I told Logan how I’ve liked him for years and he didn’t punch me, I call it a success.” Camille shakes her head but she’s smiling and patting his thigh.

“Told you it wouldn’t be as hard as you thought,” she says with a little smile up at Logan and a little bit of the weight on his shoulders goes away. She’s still looking at him the way she always does, a little amused and a lot in love.

“I need time,” Logan says, feeling like he’s interrupted a moment. “It’s a lot to take in and I just want to think and absorb things.” James face falls a little and Logan knows what must be going through his mind. “I don’t hate you, I just don’t know what to do about the whole situation still.”

“Right,” James says but still looks withdrawn, but Camille’s beginning to glow again despite the bags under her eyes.  
  
“Take all the time you need,” she tells him and leans her head on James’s shoulder. “We’re not going anywhere. We’ll be here writing our names plus yours all over our binders in big hearts with glitter pens til you come back.” She’s beaming and there’s a teasing in her words.  He’s always admired how many different ways she’s told him ‘I love you’ from silly things like this to sending a single rose to each of his hotel rooms on their last tour, no words, just her signature and a heart.  
  
“Thanks,” he scratches at the back of his neck because while he loves her and James is his best friend, having all that love direct at him doesn’t change how he’s still an awkward kind of person.

“Thanks for not hating us forever,” James grins and Camille is pushing off her blanket and standing slowly. Logan hadn’t noticed what she was wearing but he smiles a little when he does- her red candy cane pajama pants that are her favorite on the laziest days she gets to have, and the super cheesy big white ‘I heart NY’ shirt he’d gotten her on their first tour, now worn soft.

“Since we’re friends again, can I have a hug?” She’s looking at him coyly, but she’s also unsure.

“Well, seeing as we are friends, I guess I could give you a hug,” he teases opening his arms and she rushes at him with the same passion as always that knocks the wind from him when she throws her arms around him. She’s warm and smells the same nice flowery way she always does, and when he wraps his arms around her every muscle in his back and neck that have been tense for weeks relax. She still loves him. His world stops falling apart because they haven’t chosen each other over him. They have enough love for each other and for Logan, too.  
  
*  
  
He leaves their apartment that night soon after and goes straight to bed. He knows his mind needs to process and that sleep will help. The next day he’s got classes and lab work, but when he gets home he dives into a different kind of research. 

It feels silly typing ‘my girlfriend is in love with my best friend’ into Google, but Logan is sure he can’t be the only one with this problem. He gets a lot of results and sifts through them, finding a lot of paranoid people who’re making something out of nothing, and a lot of other guys who know but just don’t want to admit it to themselves so they decided to let the trolls on the internet tell him.  
  
Every answer is about getting rid of the girlfriend or the best friend, though, and since he’s not about to do either, he tries to adjust his search to ‘my girlfriend is in love with my best friend and so am I’. He reads about a guy in high school whose gay best friend told him he was jealous of his new girlfriend and confessed to being in love with him, blah blah, now the kid thinks he’s also in love with the gay best friend the more he thinks about it.   
  
Logan reads the answers in response to the kid about how he might be bi-curious but he also might just be wondering about it because that’s what happens when someone tells you they’re in love with you. He’s not sure how to feel about that one because he admitted to himself years ago that James is a good looking guy and it didn’t have to mean Logan was gay. 

Below in the related questions section is a different question entitled ‘Why am I so turned on by my girlfriend with my best friend?’ since that’s the only other thing that’s come close to resembling his problem. It turns out to be a guy who thinks his best friend and girlfriend would be really hot together and it’s one of his fantasies, so that’s not what Logan needs either. He reads through the answers anyway and while there’s plenty of people telling him he’s gross, others explaining that it’s a normal hetero guy thing to do, there’s only one response that piques Logan’s interest.

_‘Some people are into what's referred to as the "alternate lifestyle," sharing partners, etc. But if both parties are not TOTALLY COMMITTED to each other, it's a great way to lose your "former" GF to your "former" best friend.’_

Since it seems to be the closest he’s found to his answer of keeping both of them, he throws more words into Google as he comes across them and by three in the morning he’s learned a lot about threesomes, polyamory, and just how all of that works. He thinks back to what James had said: _‘You were mine first, then she was yours and now I’m hers.’_

There are couples where one person dates two people but they never all intersect, but that’s not what Logan had in his hands. He had Camille, who was in love with him and James, and James who was in love with Camille and him. Logan knows he loves Camille and he knows he loves James in the best friend sense, but does he love him in a sexual love sense?

He thinks about the kid in high school’s dilemma and about how maybe he’s curious how different doing something with James would be than with Camille. He thinks about the guy with the fantasies and how he’s already seen them together and how he hadn’t been upset that they were together because it was disgusting or something, he’d been upset because he thought he was losing his girlfriend and his best friend.    
  
Logan recalls all the times with James where he’d had different feelings he couldn’t quite put his finger on- most recently when James had said he was in love with someone, when Logan had seen James with Camille on the couch. He’d attributed those times to caring about James in general but the more he thought about it, just like the kid, the more he wondered if he’d been in love with James since who knows when. He recognizes now that he’d always been fine with James dating so many girls because he knew they wouldn’t last. When James mentioned he was in love with someone, Logan’s subconscious was upset because it closed off any chance he had of James loving him. And when he’d walked in on James and Camille, maybe the feeling in his stomach hadn’t been hurt or shock, maybe he had been turned on in a whole different way he didn’t know yet.  
  
He rubs his face with his hands and sighs deeply. If this were an equation, the answer would be simple and clear. In a way, this was an equation, it just had a lot of variables  
  
***  
  
“Everything is wrong without you guys around,” Logan blurts out because he can’t deal with small talk or pleasantries or beating around the bush. He’d thought about it for two days, researched everything he could. They were sitting on the couch in James’s apartment and he sat on the coffee table across from them. He’d been relieved that they both looked better, healthier, more well rested. “Life sucked. It looked like it sucked for you too.”  
  
“It did,” Camille gives a little bitter sounding laugh. “I cried a lot. I couldn’t stand being the reason why you guys stopped being friends. Especially not when James told me how he felt about you, it was heartbreaking.”  
  
“I didn’t know what to do,” Logan tries to explain and he feels dumb again because he’s not the one who cheated. “I didn’t know what I did wrong.”  
  
“You couldn’t have done anything, it just happened,” James says with such ease Logan’s sure he’s told it to himself a lot. “I was the one who pushed it until it broke though. I should have told you, it wasn’t fair for me to drag Camille into it at all before I talked to you.”  
  
“I should have seen it coming. Little by little, I felt like it was happening but I didn’t want to face it for what it was. Love is stupid like that,” Camille adds, and Logan realizes how insane they all are for thinking it’s their fault.  
  
“Yeah, love is stupid but at the end of the day that’s what makes us work, right?” Logan’s brain is finally seeing the big picture of what all these little things add up to.  “We all need each other for our own reasons and the realization of that was just a big train wreck. But that’s what it is, I need you both,” Logan is hoping what he’s saying is even vaguely comprehensible. He takes is as a good sign that when he says it they’re both smiling.  
  
“We need you too,” Camille shrugs because it’s that simple. Logan had always put his love for Camille in a box marked ‘Romance’ and his love for James in a box marked ‘Best Friend’ but they had always needed to be in the same box marked ‘Mine’.  
  
“Huh,” James nods his head, “That was surprisingly easy,” he remarks. “I thought there would be more of a climax, honestly.”  
  
“Years of lead up to a fizzling end, bummer,” Logan shrugs and Camille looks displeased.  
  
“Wait, you didn’t have a big dramatic kiss when you told him about your secret longing for him?”  She directs the question at James who shakes his head a little.  
  
“It really wasn’t the time for that then. We could do it now if you want?” He’s asking Camille but he’s looking at Logan to see if it’s okay too.  
  
“Hell yes, what are you waiting for! Go get our man!” She laughs and pushes at James who rolls his eyes as he unfolds himself from the couch. With the knowledge of what was coming next in mind, everything feels electrified and it doesn’t matter how many wrestling matches or awkward times they were pressed together before, when James gets in close to Logan, everything feels different. A good different.  
  
“Hi,” Logan says, standing and looking up at James who smiles and gives a little laugh.  
  
“Hi,” James says back and Logan grins wide while their hands find hips and shoulders and necks to rest on. They bump noses before dry lips press against each other quickly.  
  
“Boo!” Camille cups her hands and teases them. “Lame! I know for a fact you can both do better!”   
  
“Good god, woman! Stop pressuring us!” James whips around and snaps at her, glaring. She throws a pillow at him. It hits him square in the face and she cackles as he roars, “ _Fine!_ ”  
  
Logan doesn’t have any warning before he’s suddenly off balance. James is dipping him and after only a second of a very intent focused look, they’re kissing again with more passion than Logan ever really expected. James rights Logan, who feels a bit dizzy from the intensity of it all, and James yells at Camille again.  
  
“ _There!_  Happy now?” He asks, hands on his hips with a frustrated expression.  
  
Camille stands up off the couch, twirls with joy and falls back down, draping herself over the arm of the couch and clutching a pillow to her chest. Always the drama queen. “It was brilliant! So much better!” She’s beaming at them and Logan feels embarrassed that he was swept off his feet like a girl, but James just stomps back over to the couch and drops down next to her.  
  
“And don’t you forget it,” he grumps as Logan shuffles back over, in a bit of a daze wondering if he should be mad about being treated like a schmoopy princess.  
  
That’s how it starts, rocky but with a solid foundation. They could care less what people think, but they don’t flaunt what they have and life turns out well for their little trio.

END  
  
End notes:  Logan’s research-  <http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100904163515AAaSHEB>  
<http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Why-Am-I-So-Turned-On-By-My-Girlfriend-With-My-Best-Friend/164783>


End file.
